Keeping It Real – Marriage

 

Erma Bombeck once quipped, “Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. “

Erma Bombeck was one of the most beloved and respected women in the social realm of our American hstory.  The reason for this was simple: she spoke from her heart. She was truthful in her thoughts. And when speaking about marriage and family, she had the ability to use humor in such a way that it resonated with all of us.

Like Erma, I hope to share my life and the lessons I’ve learned from it in a way that makes people think, smile, laugh and hopefully learn to view their situation in a better…and perhaps a more humorous light.

In other words, I plan to keep it real.

With these summer months of weddings taking place every weekend, we thought it would be appropriate to tackle the subject of *marriage*.

There are so many different angles I could have chosen to take with a topic as broad as marriage, but I chose to go in the direction that I felt were of the most interest to married folks.

The success of it.

So, here’s the question:  “What do we need to do to achieve that ultimate, grandiose dream of a ‘Happily Ever After’ with our spouse?”

Well, the simple answer from me…if I’m keeping it real…is, “Heck if I know!” Lol!

My husband and I have been married for twenty-one years, we continue to be a work in progress.  We have a wonderful life with three amazing children, but it hasn’t always been smooth sailing.

Kevin and I have a real marriage, with real issues, just like everyone else.  But one of the keys to our personal success is that it’s a journey we only want to take with each other…. and THAT is a very good start to a successful marriage.

For this piece, I decided to ask several couples who have been married for two or more decades to answer this one question, “What is the key to a long and successful marriage?”

Most couples gave pat answers like, “Laughter is the key”, or “communication” is what keeps a marriage strong, while others said they relied on their faith and commitment to God to get them through the harder parts of their marriage.

And yes, I believe all of those ingredients make for a happy and successful marital cake.  However, there is ONE more ingredient to this mix of laughter, faith and communication that I believe is imperative to a fruitful and long-lasting union.

This ingredient is good old-fashion stubbornness.

That’s right: beautiful, wonderful, marital *stubbornness.*

Stubbornness usually takes on this negative connotation like it’s a terrible trait to have.  Well, in some areas, you would be right.  But when it comes to having a determined spirit to keep your marriage strong, alive and thriving, stubbornness is actually a very, very good thing.

Think about it like this.

If you have been married long enough, you most likely have experienced times when you looked at your husband and thought, “Why in the WORLD did I marry that lugnut?!” Or if you are a man, perhaps you have looked at your wife and pondered, “What a nag. If only I had known before….”

Certainly these thoughts are only fleeting for most of us. But if you are one who allows these negative and toxic thoughts to linger for too long in your mind and heart, you better watch out.

You will have entered into a danger zone of marital collapse that already has yellow caution tape wrapping itself tightly around every corner of your heart.

And if you couple that with a marriage that has stifled all laughter and positive communication, then honey, you better put on a hard hat because the foundation right below your feet is crumbling and things are falling apart while you stand there doing nothing to strengthen your stud that usually holds up the walls of your heart.

Some might ponder, “But wait. What about faith? Can’t faith get us through when we’ve lost all hope?”

Well, sure it can.  Faith is vital, but sometimes even your faith feels shot when your marriage is in a crisis.

You see, when one begins to feel hopeless and helpless in their marriage, many times they begin to lose their spiritual footing. And very often this will lead to them questioning every aspect of their marriage….including wondering if they made a mistake getting married to their spouse in the first place.

But here’s the beauty of matrimonial stubbornness.  It offers the time your marriage sometimes needs to heal the wounds that need immediate attention.

Yes, indeed, sometimes, a little time is all you need to let the dark clouds of your marriage subside, so your heart can feel the warmth of the sun again.

Good things happen when you allow the light to reach the darkest part of your hurting heart.  Time and light allow you to grow, to learn and to discover better ways to combat what is meant to harm.

I sometimes think in pictures, so let me paint a picture of what I see when I imagine what marital stubbornness would look like in character form:

Picture a little “Love General” dropping stakes around your heart during a time when you feel as though war has been declared on your marriage.  Imagine the walls of wedded bliss crumbling all around you.  Your spirit wants to give up, let go of the pain and your mind begins convincing your heart that it’s best if you just go your own way.

Suddenly, in the midst of your pain and hurt, you feel this twinge of stubbornness swell inside of you. You suddenly decide that you do NOT want to give up on your marriage….You DO want to work things out.

THIS is your first clue that your little Love General. (the stubbornness that resides in each of us) is pumping your heart with thoughts of encouragement like, “Don’t give up! Not now.”  “Keep trying.”, “You are better than this.”  “You are stronger than this.” “Prove you got what it takes.” “Prove to your spouse that nothing will be stronger than your determined spirit to make this marriage work!”

Yes, beautiful, wonderful marital stubbornness has saved many marriages.

….Including my own.

This ingredient….this *key* to marital success is actually a form of courage.  It gives hope to the hopeless. It gives dreams to the dreamless. It gives encouragement to a time and place we hope to see with our spouse.

Ultimately, marital stubbornness gives us time….time to really think things through and time to calm the heck down.

Some people, who feel they are in a doomed marriage, say, “I deserve better!”

Friend, I hear you.  Yes, you deserve all the goodness in the world.  We all do.  ….including your spouse.

Here’s the truth about life….. sometimes we are put in life situations that force us to dig deep within ourselves and make strong choices….choices to use our life situations and circumstances as great lessons to make us better people, stronger souls and more equipped human beings.

So, instead of thinking, “I deserve better”, start thinking, “I deserve to BE better”, ” I deserve to DO better.”

I promise you, when you choose to look at marital challenges as ways to become a better person in this world, your spouse, your family and especially your marriage will begin to fall into place.

Be wonderfully stubborn when it comes to your marriage and your family.  Love each other.  Learn to accept each other.  Genuinely work hard to make your life together good and strong.

*Bottom line: We are all simply imperfect people, living in an imperfect world, trying to make an imperfect marriage work while keeping it real, keeping it good, and above all, keeping it worthwhile.

Cheers!